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The current year signifies a ten-year milestone since the word “disappearing” hit the public consciousness. Back then, the concept that someone could suddenly stop communication with a partner without any notice seemed like the height of rudeness. How naive we were. In the decade since, navigating toward a mate has only become more confounding – an frequently pointless exercise in humiliation that is increasingly defined by online slang.

Zoomers, a demographic who grew up during a social isolation crisis, a masculinity crisis, and a coordinated attack on the freedoms of women and the queer community, faces a infinitely more complex terrain than their Gen Y predecessors could ever envision. And so their romantic vocabulary has grown more elaborate and more bizarre, with terms like “Ogre-ing” and “monkey branching” pushing the limits of your sanity.

What follows is a comprehensive glossary to the terms this generation is using to discuss romance, intimacy and the pursuit of both. To echo one of the recent most viral online sayings, by the end of this guide you’ll ache to get back to a bygone era – because where that is, it doesn’t have “wokefishing”.

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A

Realness – For Zoomers, dating’s gold standard is presenting as your real, unfiltered self. Best wishes with that!

B

Bird theory – A online phenomenon connected to a methodology developed by relationship scientists, in which you mention something minor – for example, “I saw a bird today” – and pay attention to whether your partner’s response is inquisitive or brushed off. If they show no desire to hear more about the bird, you two are not compatible.

Independent partner – Zoomers' response to the “manic pixie dream girl” stereotype of the early 2000s – but instead of having short fringe, liking indie music and eschewing commitment, the black cat girlfriend focuses on her own needs while oozing mystery and self-sufficiency. (She might still have that fringe.)

The Letter C

Support test – This signifies going for someone who aids you unprompted. If you walked into a room, they would pull up a chair for you to take a load off.

Errand romance – A outing where two people bond while running errands, such as pet care or food shopping. In other words, how cash-strapped people in their 20s do budget-friendly romance in a post-cheap-date world.

Crashing out – Having a breakdown when you feel swamped by life. You can crash out over a infatuation or split, dumping all of your (unrequited) feelings.

The Letter D

DINK – Dual income no kids. Once a signifier of 80s yuppie affluence, it refers to partners who opt out of parenthood to prioritize their own well-being. Or because they are unable to afford to become parents.

The Letter E

Vulnerable signaling – The opposite of being guarded: embracing dialogue, transparency and vulnerability.

F

Flags

• Red flags – Personal traits suggesting a prospective partner is not right. Such as calling their former partners unstable, subpar tipping habits, a fondness for controversial director films, a nascent DJ career …
• Green flags – These actions confirm your decision to pursue a partner. For instance checking in to make sure you got home safe after a date, minimal phone use, having a proper bed …
• Odd but harmless traits – These typically describe specific, mostly harmless quirks. For instance being an keen ornithologist, still keeping a biro in their purse, paying rent in cash …

Shared obsession pairing – When you meet someone who’s just as obsessive about films about the WWII or physical media hoarding or collaging or whatever it may be, as you. Or, on the flip side, finding someone who hates the same stuff or individuals that you do (few things fosters closeness faster than having a common enemy).

G

Geese – A band a typical Zoomer guy is into.

Phantom reappearing – Someone who pops back into your life after a period of silence.

Golden retriever boyfriend – Someone who is affable, eager to please and devoted. The uncommon partner who is adored by all of his partner’s friends, and a black cat girlfriend's counterpart.

Gooners – A primarily online subculture of men so preoccupied with self-pleasure that they attempt lengthy sessions, intentionally delaying orgasm so they can go on as long as possible.

H

Gloomy heterosexuality – A trend describing many women's increasing pessimism toward straight relationships. It will come as no surprise to anyone who read the above entry.

Traditional ideal woman – An stereotype promoted by manosphere figures: a woman who is attractive, ever-comforting and contentedly domestic, who apparently has no ambitions of her own other than pleasing her man partner. Perhaps now you’re beginning to understand the whole “heterofatalism” thing better?

The Letter I

Icks – Random and usually everyday repulsions that instantly kill any feelings of desire.

“If he wanted to, he would" – Something to tell yourself after you watch someone else receive an extremely romantic gesture.

The Letter J

Jobs – These have not been this important in the romance landscape since the greed-is-good era. For some women, a “man in finance” is the ultimate catch: a preppy, conservative-leaning guy who will provide (there’s a hit TikTok audio on the topic). Meanwhile the anti-capitalist crowd seek out partners in fields they believe are being staffed by the more nurturing among us: nurses, teachers or counselors.

The Letter K

Making out – This year, researchers learned that the kiss has been around for 16m years. But the era of locking lips may be waning since some Zoomers desire fewer sex scenes in film, as they are having less sex themselves and do not find onscreen romance authentic.

Enhanced profile crafting – Catfishing-lite. Or, not exactly being dishonest about who you are, but maybe using outdated (better) pictures of yourself on a online profile, or making your career sound more important than it is. Also known as {